Insides and Bike: Busted

During our trip to Florence, I started getting chest pains. Occurring in various locations and intensities, at some points (while driving through the hills, for example) they were so intense I thought I might pass out. These continued for weeks and weeks until finally, on probably the worst possible day at work, I managed to get myself to the doctor.

I've always been good about going to the doctor so to have something wrong that I ignore for an extended period of time is both stupid and uncharacteristic. But I knew I would spend a full day at the doctor's office and that I did.

The first visit:

I took the first early morning appointment I could get, thinking I could get out of there by 9 and barely miss work. False. When I was finally called in to the doctor's office much past 10, we started with an awkward encounter, obviously. She waited for me to sit down and tell her what ailed me. I started… then realized that I don't even know this lady! So i stopped, introduced myself (…?) then continued on. 

Side bar: while Jessica was here, she developed the theory that my chest pains were related to  my stomach moving around and pushing against my other organs. Her idea made total sense to me and I was hoping it truly was something stomach related, you know, instead of any of the other critical internal organs that seemed to be paining me all and every day.

I could tell there were things the doctor would have asked me but was resistant because of the English. Instead,  I kept volunteering information to see if that's what she wanted to know, "I drink tons of coffee. I exercise almost daily. My job causes me internal and external misery. " etc.

She ordered some tests in the office and asked that I schedule and appointment to come back for a blood test. 

Next, I met with a nurse who didn't speak a lick of English. She asked my height and weight but was not patient while I put my stats into my metric converter. I blew into a tube for a while and then she hooked me up to all kinds of electrodes.

The biggest difference about German doctor offices is the lack of paper on the bed. As I write this,  I have been to four different doctors. Not one has had paper or a disposable covering. Various concoctions of towels, if you're lucky. But really it's you against the bed and it's not what we've come to know as sanitary.

I saw the doc again. She now seemed to be quite concerned. She mentioned enzymes in my heart and described them as "what you get after a heart attack". She also said there was "mucus in my organs". And said I needed to do the blood test both that day and the next. Again, it was clear to me that I would have received more information if the language issue wasn't there.

I went back out, took the blood test and waited some more. Finally, the gal at the front desk called me up. "Your blood test is fine". She told me. "OK, so should I go back and wait for the doctor?". "No, you're fine. you don't need to". Lady, I am not fine. the fact you found nothing does not mean I am healed….

I argued and insisted that I still needed to see the doctor. Finally, I did and probably because I started to become a crazy lady she wrote me a prescription and gave me a referral to a stomach doctor with the comment that she hoped it was something in there. 

I made and appointment withe the Artz für Innere Medizin und Gastroenterologie. As I waited in line to see the receptionist, I noticed she was being a jerk to everyone. Not a good sign as I intended to conduct this transaction in English. New game plan. I spoke in German as I gave her my transfer paper. She asked me in English, "what am i supposed to do with this?" then proceeded to ask the gals around if they would help me.

Finally, one lady came out to help me. She said my transfer paper wasn't filled out correctly and they had to call my doctor. The lady came back and gave me a stack of papers. She apologized that they were in German but it was all they had and I needed to complete them. I told her it was ok and I would translate them for myself. 

So I sat in the waiting room and translated word-by-word. I really wanted to understand this. and that I did. THE FORMS WERE THE PERMISSION SLIPS FOR A COLONOSCOPY. I panicked. what the heck was going to happen to me! I'm going in for these things and they don't understand me and i don't understand them...I'm sure it was an honest mistake but so is amputating the wrong leg! oh man, i was not signing these forms. 

I went back to the jerk receptionist and looked for my English speaking lady. no luck. the jerk tried to take the forms and said I couldn't see the doctor until they were completed. now I was freaking out. these are wrong! I don't even want these in my file just in case there is a mix up! I stood in the middle of the room, waiting for anyone. Finally, the doctor came out and called me in. I showed her the forms and she agreed they were wrong and I watched her rip them up. 

She was great. I explained my whole story and she walked me through the CORRECT forms for an endoscopy. She gave me a prescription for some more pills and I made an appointment to come back.

I would also like to mention the pharmacy situation. I've now picked up two prescriptions and spent €0. The copay at the first doc was €10 and that's all I've had to pay out of pocket.

Yesterday, I went back to the tummy doc in for the 'ol look around. My needs were simple enough so I managed with the receptionist on only Deutsch and she was pleasant. When the nurse called me in, she seemed to be in a rush. quickly they had me lay on the un-papered bed. She gave me a shot to knock me out and a dude came in and introduced himself, in German, as the doctor. I asked if he spoke English. He said nein and that's the last thing I recall.


I woke up super confused, in a different room, alone. I found a nurse and spoke german to her but I didn't understand her directions so I just went back to the waiting room.

I was eventually called to see the doctor again and he told me the same line - everything was fine.  People, stop telling me everything is fine because it's not. Actually what you should tell me is  that you didn't find the problem so now I have an even more obnoxious issue.

He said they were also doing a biopsy and would send it to my doctor in 10 days and he gave me an envelope to give her. He instructed me that since I was sedated, I shouldn't operate a car, a bike, or the internet.  Right, like I'm going to not go on the internet for an entire day. I already picked up wifi in the waiting room.

By the evening, my head had been clear for the entire day and I was questioning the bike rule. I had to meet a pal in Friedrichshain so I decided that I would ride my bike but be extra extra careful. And that was when my tire popped.